There comes a time in every female traveller’s life when she has to ask herself “to pee or not to pee?” This isn’t just a simple question of whether or not I should nip to the toilet really quickly before leaving home. This is a soul-searching, gut-wrenching question of whether or not you can face a) a ridiculously dirty toilet that looks like a likely harbour for hepatitis, b) a toilet that you don’t know how to use and are concerned that you may end up peeing all over yourself or c) a combination of the two. Throughout my 116 countries, I have faced toilets that have caused nightmares. There was the time when I peed all over myself in an outhouse in Fiji with a squat toilet and no light. Or the time when my foot slipped into the squat toilet at a bathroom in a park in Bangalore. Or the time in Iraqi Kurdistan when my bathroom consisted of a hole in the floor and a shower (in case you are wondering, my hole ultimately ended up eating my soap. Or the time when I almost vomited when I walked into a public toilet at a rest stop in Inner Mongolia. The shocking image of a room full of Chinese women squatting over a trough still haunts me to this day.
I have had my fair share of toilet disasters. So I have compiled this handy guide to make your bathroom experience slightly more pleasant.
Example 1: Western toilet. This is the holy grail of toilets and I have searched high and low (and lower) for them in moments of desperation. However, be advised that people in Asia like to squat on top of western toilets. Be even more prepared to wipe footprints off the toilet seats before plopping down. Who knows what germs someone dirty shoes can leave behind……
Example 2: The infamous squat toilet. This annoying little things come in all shapes and sizes. The biggest holes I have encountered have been in China with nice little foot grooves to add a little bit of squatting security. The smallest holes were in Uganda. Imagine something slightly wider than the top of a pint glass. Now imagine trying to pee into it. There is a huge margin of error. The trick to the squat toilet is to hoist up your pant legs. This will ensure that the bottoms of your pants aren’t dragging in pee water. Next, pull down your pants. Squat down but keep a firm hold on the crotch to make sure that your pants don’t come bouncing back into your pee stream. Maintain eye contact with your pee stream at all times. If it decides to veer off in any direction other than the toilet, you have two options. You can either stop immediately and hope that it is a bit better behaved when you begin again. Otherwise, you can shift your weight from leg to leg and pretend your playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” Finally, when all is said and done, it is time to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake your booty. Things of it as some sideways twerking. Pull up your pants and continue on your way.
Example 3: The female urinal. I first encountered a sign for a female urinal in the Mumbai Churchgate train station. Confused, I asked the Indian man I was with what the hell that was. He was as confused as I was so I figured it must be a mistranslation. Flash forward 6 months to the bathrooms at the sexy temples of Khajuraho. I innocently walked into the bathroom and saw a confounding sight. Instead of a squat toilet, there was something that looked like the cross between the drains at the edge of a swimming pool and the ones in public showers. I quickly went off in search of another bathroom and eventually did find one a bit more accommodating for this anti-squatter. The next day, I had an ultimatum. I was desperate for the toilet and rushing to catch a train. At the Jhansi train station, I encountered a bathroom that only offered female urinals. Knowing that I couldn’t hold it for another 3+ hours until the next town, I pulled down my pants with my backpack still perched on my back and attempted to keep my balance long enough to relieve my bursting bladder. While I was attempting a feat similar to rhythmic gymnastics, a little girl walked in and decided that it was an amusing scene and that she wanted front row seats. So, this is how I found myself peeing in front of a child into a drain with 15 kilos on my back. And I am proud to say that I was semi-successful. Looking back, I now know that the trick to the female urinals is TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
People see traveling as an amazing adventure and it definitely is. However, there are moments that you want to forget that remain etched in your brain. When you reach the point where you want to tell everyone of your bathroom mishaps (like me), then you know that you have graduated from tourist to traveler. When you begin bragging about your worst toilet experience, you are part of an even more elite club. If so, welcome. We can’t wait to hear all about it.
